life is good, even though it's not perfect

Life is good. Today I have been thinking about all of the blessings in my life. Really there are to many to mention in this post, but the one blessing in my life I will talk about is Christopher.  Christopher has been the best thing to happen in my life.  Not to down play all my blessings but Christopher is my best friend. He knows me so well; better then I know myself; which many times freaks me out and can frustrate the hell out of me (he can read me like a book).  He has been my best Advocate, besides Jesus. He wants me to be happy.  He is my best friend. So even when I am looking around and thinking, things are such a mess, right in the middle of it all is my Best Friend, Christopher, standing there saying, it will be okay, we will get through whatever it is.  

Day 6 - After the Test, on to real life

Picture found http://wallpaperslot.com/wallpaper-the-last-rays-of-light-21660.php

If you had read my previous post, you would know that I was doing the Five Day Pouch Test, which is a five day diet (for the lack of a better word) for people that have had Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) but who have lost their way be incorporating foods into their diet that cause them to gain weight.  It helps you get back on track.

Well, I went through the first two days of liquids and let me just tell you, that I survived! :-)

But, to the chagrin of my husband, by the end of each day I was irritable and ready to EAT! I didn't cave but I was SO ready for the third day which is soft protein (i.e. tuna and eggs).  It was awesome to have food again! And it really did work. I am recognizing when I am full and I stop eating. I feel full but not stuffed, which usually makes me sick anyway.  I am so happy! I feel in control and when you feel like other aspects of your life are completely out of your control (face it, most things in our lives are out of our control); it is so nice to feel in control of what you are putting into your body. 

Not that it has been completely easy. This whole week has been laden with threats to my happiness. The very first day, I went to class and the professor decided to bring pie for the whole class! Really? Really Universe?! Then everywhere I went had candy just laying around, it was like freakin Halloween around me!  But I didn't falter!

I then moved on to the fourth day which is Firm Protein (i.e. ground meat, halibut) and then the fifth day was Solid Protein (i.e. chicken, STEAK!).  I also added steamed veggies because we shouldn't be living on meat alone! I have also been trying out different protein drinks and some of those things are disgusting!  What are people thinking making items so gross that people can't actually swallow the drink?  But I have found a few that I can swallow and I am actually growing used to them and are starting to enjoy protein shakes (never in my life did I think I would say that.)

I am so proud of me and I have already lost weight (six pounds, even if it's water weight, it counts folks!).

So now I am eating smaller portions, less goodies and I feel overall better. Yay, for healthy living! 

Below are tips that I think anyone should follow, WLS or not.

Eating Behaviors for Success: found at Dukehealth.org

• Eat slowly and be aware of when you feel full. When you feel full, stop eating!
• Chew, chew, chew! You need to make sure you chew your food very well before you swallow it. This makes it easier to digest and pass from your gastric pouch into your small intestine.
• Drink enough fluid between meals to meet your fluid requirements. You need six to eight cups of fluid per day to prevent dehydration.
• Avoid food and beverages high in sugar. High sugar foods can cause "dumping syndrome." After gastric bypass surgery, some people feel light-headed, sweaty, or faint soon after consuming concentrated sugar.
• Limit high fat foods. These foods may make you feel nauseated. They are also high in calories and will slow down your weight loss. Using a low-fat, reduced-fat, or light version of a product is okay.

Day 1 - taking back control

(Picture found at www.healthinmotion.wordpress.com)

So I have been feeling completely out of control with my eating. I eat almost anything and if it has chocolate in it, it's a no brainer and I eat it.  Well, I just haven't been eating the way I should and it has cost me.  I have gained a ton of weight over the last 4 years. 


For those of you that didn't know, I went through Gastric Bypass Surgery, specifically Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass [RYGBP], back in 2000.  I grew up overweight and everyday thought about how overweight I was and that I needed to lose weight.  I went to doctor's and I went to dietitians and tried diets.  But in the end, I decided to have surgery (which sounds nonchalant but really it took a few years, fights with insurance companies and real soul searching).  


There are times when I regret having surgery and in some ways I am ashamed that I couldn't do it on my own.  BUT I look at all of the wonderful things that I have experienced in my life and I can't help but think that if I hadn't done the surgery, I wouldn't have had those experiences.  At the same time, who knows what I would have done and I have to live with my choices.  I am a different person because of the surgery.  And little do people realize that just because you have the surgery, it doesn't mean your problems are over.  I didn't realize it either.

After surgery you have to relearn how eat. You are literarily like a baby, you start with liquids and then move to pureed foods and then to soft solids, and then firm solids. Through this process you lose a ton of weight. I lost over 100 pounds.  But as in many things in life, you plateu and then your effort through healthy eating and exercise truly kick in.  Well, I was good, exercising and eating well, but slowly I started to incorporate foods that I should not be eating, like carbohydrates and not the Good-for-you-Kind (fruit), but the kind that taste oh so good! (white bread anyone?!)  And I also started to fall into old habits, like emotional eating.  So after four years of this, I have gained a ton of weight back that I had originally lost.  


I have reached a breaking point.  I need to do something to better my body, mind and overall health.  I am so unhappy with my body and there are no shortcuts, even with surgery. Just. Hard. Work. So here I am at what feels like square one.  As I have been eating things that I shouldn't I have lost the feeling of my Pouch (the smaller stomach made by the surgery) and so this week I have started the Five Day Pouch Test.  My hope is that I can get things under control and regain my life. Today is the first day and even though I feel at times hungry, I know that I am not and that it is my brain playing with me.  It is so nice to have that distinction between real hunger and hunger induced because I am (Fill in the Blank, i.e. bored, sad, happy etc.)  


This is Day 1 & 2 of the pouch test: (All information about the pouch test is from http://www.5daypouchtest.com/plan/days1_2.html)


"The first two days are all liquids. You can have as many low-carb protein shakes as you like to satisfy hunger or cravings. In addition drink at least six 8-ounce glasses of water each day. The purpose of all liquids is to break any snacking, grazing or processed carbohydrate habits. In addition the liquids will work to cleanse your system and prepare you for the following three days." 


Day 1 down!

Responsibility:  

the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for  something

This definition of responsibility is a hard one because you are only human, you may eat a lot of crow.  That has been my world for the past few months.  Eating crow doesn't taste good, in fact it makes you not want to "eat" at all.   The only thing that keeps me going is this knowledge: I am an honest person and am willing to be brave enough to admit mistake or error. I will do my best, and when my best isn't enough, I will admit and correct it.  I do not try to deceive people or to hide things from people, if I make a mistake I will tell you (own it) and try to make it right.  Unfortunately, some people can't accept your apology or willingness to make a correction. They do not accept the fact that you are human, that you may have been overloaded and instead come at you with every mistake and fault of you.  They can't move on.  Well, fortunately for me, I can move on because I have chosen too. 

gratefulness

There are many times in life when I need to be more grateful and I often wake up to it at the strangest moments, but at least I wake up to it.  

I teach in primary a combined class of 6 to 7 year olds.  They were on something today because it felt like the hour was going on forever.  

But, as I was sitting there trying to keep them on point I felt a huge surge of Gratitude.  I felt how the Lord loved each of these children and then I felt a ton of Love for me.  I haven't felt that kind of Heavenly Love in a long time.  And then I felt Grateful.

I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual... O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches. No run on my bank can drain it for my wealth is not possession but enjoyment.

Henry David Thoreau

decay

Artwork by Niish

 http://niish.deviantart.com/art/soul-decay-203215640

These last 7 to 8 months I have seen the decay of my belief in the thought that "people really are good after all."  I try to be an honest person, I try to be loyal, patient and I generally give people the benefit of the doubt.  Because I try to do and be these attributes, I naively think that others do the same. These last few months have taught me what greed, selfishness, deceit and lies can truly do, all in the name of "trying to open peoples eyes". I would ask, "Open peoples eyes to what? or Are you shielding people from what you truly are?"

Sorry if this is all too cryptic and kind of depressing,   I am tired and its early morning, having been up since early AM.  I have always read about this type of betrayal and deceit but I ALWAYS thought that people do not do that. I have often read of groups going against groups, I.E. gadianton robbers, but I wasn't willing to be a conspiracy theorist either.  I have always wanted to believe that people are generally good people. But I have now seen first hand that when hurts, greed, and the desire for power what that can truly do to someones soul and the soul's of others.

How sad that in this world people are willing to be so angry and hurt to become deceitful and ruthless.  My belief in Satan has increased. I know he is real.  How thankful I am that I have a Savior. He gives me hope and strength to continue to believe in people.  I may no longer be as naive as I once was, and even though I lose sleep and brain cells thinking about this, I know that these things will come to an end. I will sleep soundly again one day.  At least my conscience will be clear, my soul in tacked.

fondly daydreaming

Recently, I had a soft serve ice cream cone;a twist, no less.  I haven't had one of these in years and it started me thinking of a time when I was younger.  Ice cream cones were treats in my family growing up. We would go to Dairy Queen.  On the way to the DQ we would sit in the back seat of our 1984 red Dodge Caravan and play Ice Cream Shop. It was totally unsafe, because we were not in our seat belts, but who cared when we could play?! We would pretend that we were workers at a ice cream shop and would fill orders of pretend customers outside of our window.  It was so much fun!

Once we got to the DQ, we would order.  I always wanted chocolate and my sister, Ashley always wanted vanilla.  I could not understand why she would want vanilla and she couldn't understand why I wanted chocolate.  We would then eat our ice cream, well I would. Ashley talked so much that usually everyone would have finished their ice cream, while hers would be melting all over her. She would lick it a few times to stop the melting but then go back to talking. 

Looking back at that memory I don't remember feeling sad or worried or over burdened.  I only knew that we were going to get ice cream and I had no cares in the world.  I am sure that behind the rose colored glasses I have on that memory there is hardship and stress but as a kid, at that moment, I don't see it. 

This memory is pure and wonderful and how thankful I am for those memories that take us back to times in our lives that were simple, pure and completely unmolested with the world.